In my weakness...

We leave to return to Zambia in four weeks. Four weeks. It sounds so distant, but it is fast approaching, and emotions are running high. We've experienced most of this before - excitement regarding the upcoming travel, sadness over leaving family and friends behind, stress as we wrap up a variety of last-minute details.

But this time it's...different.

When we moved to Zambia in 2010, we were filled with excitement and expectation. Everything we had been working towards since before we started dating in 2004 was finally happening. We were moving overseas - to Africa - to serve as missionaries. We were starting a new life. It was all a great adventure. We were riding on a spiritual and emotional high.

And then things changed. Days, weeks, months went by. That adventure became life. And at times, life was hard. But we had each other, and we had God, and we made it through. What I didn't realize at the time, though, was how much I acted as my own worst enemy, how often I brought myself down, telling myself I wasn't good enough. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't qualified enough. I was in way over my head. I brought myself so low that, by the end of our first term, I was completely burned out and empty. I needed to come back on Home Assignment.

And I didn't want to go back to Zambia.

I managed to convince myself that I wasn't the right person to lead the ministry in Zambia. I could list off name after name of people I thought could do a better job. People more qualified. People more spiritual. People with more energy, more training, more vision. People with a better relationship with God.

The thing is, I continued to feel this way up until just recently. Even after Tiffany booked our tickets to return, I was convinced that we were only going back by default. We had to go back, because the right people hadn't been found, so we were warm bodies willing to fill in until then. It wasn't until recently that this all began to change.

We were asked to talk about our ministry to the Jr. and Sr. High youth groups at a supporting church. They wanted us to talk about what we do, but more importantly they wanted us to talk about how we got there. How did we know God called us on mission? What steps did we take to get into the field? And it was in reflecting on these questions and preparing for this presentation that I realized that I was actually right. I'm not good enough, or talented enough, or smart enough.

And I'm not supposed to be.

After all, if I were good enough, I wouldn't need God to do the work - His work. Paul knew this and wrote about it in several of his letters, probably most notably in 2 Corinthians 12, where he says in verses 9 and 10,

"But [Jesus] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (ESV)

Paul, this great missionary and leader in the early church, understood that he wasn't good enough. He would never be good enough. And this is what made his ministry so successful, because it kept him from relying upon his own strength and seeking to receive all the glory. Rather, he needed to rely upon Christ for the ability to continue in ministry, and it was Christ who caused the growth, who orchestrated the change, who made the difference, and who received the glory.

As we go back to Zambia, I don't want to be good enough. I want to rely upon Christ. I want to be open and ready to be used by Him, and my "good enough-ness" would stand in His way.

On Going… or Staying

Tomorrow is the big day. The visit to the urologist. Luke and I have probably put undue weight on the outcome of this appointment in our decision on when, and if, to go back to Zambia. But regardless of the validity of that weight, it's there.

Michael has kidney reflux, vesicoureteral reflux, to give you the technical term. We suspected this months ago when his kidneys were enlarged in utero, but tests last month confirmed it. On a scale from zero to 5, the radiologist said the one side is a 1, and the other a 2 or 3. According to our pediatrician, this means he'll likely grow out of it. Even so, it will require some degree of follow up, to be determined at the urologist tomorrow.

We'd like to go back to Zambia in April. That's what we've been saying since we learned we were expecting. We may even be able to do follow up in South Africa, or even Lusaka, Zambia. But while I at least am holding out hope that will be the case, it might not work out that way.  The tests and medications may require we stay here.

So for the past several weeks (months), we've been throwing around a lot of "what ifs?". What if we have to stay in the states longer? What if we need to be here permanently? And after my obstetrician said it is very likely I would have preterm labor with future pregnancies and need weekly shots from mid-pregnancy on to help prevent that, what if we go back now and wrap things up when/if we get pregnant again?

And to be completely honest, we have valid options for all of the above scenarios. We know that God has a good and perfect plan for us and for Michael and if He wants us back in Zambia, He'll get us there in His timing. But I'm going to share an honest look at my heart in all of this…

First of all, we're not heartless or irresponsible when it comes to Michael. We don't want to take him somewhere where he will be in danger or "deprived" as some have put it. We know that growing up in the mission field has it's risks but it also carries an amazing richness of life we would love for him. We're not blinded to the risks, though, and are taking his needs into foremost consideration as we look at our future.

That said, though, we also know that if that is where the Lord wants us, His hand of peace and protection will be on us. As the psalmist says, "If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall lead me." (Psalm 139:9-10)

But here's the heart issue. I'm worried about you. Our friends and supporters. What will you think if we don't go back? What will you think if we have to spend a few extra months stateside before we head back? Are we letting you down? Failing in your sight? Or in a very practical sense, squandering your support as we wait? 

As someone who desperately wants the approval of others, your reactions are sometimes more daunting than the actual course of action. The fact that you could think that we are being lazy or greedy or whatever other concept I can think of as I worry is well, worrisome. That we may have "failed" in our missionary endeavor that we've set our hearts, minds, and life on since we started dating almost 10 years ago is frightening. Who are we if not missionaries? What would life even look like if not focused on taking His Word to the nations?

Yes, we know we can have that same focus from central Illinois or Charlotte or Dallas. We could work with SIM or Sports Friends in recruiting or material development or communications or other ways to further the Great Commission. Or we could be going back to Zambia for a shorter, more determined period of time, or perhaps indefinitely. We don't know - and we may not know after we visit the doctor tomorrow. 

God rarely spells out more than a short glimpse of what He has in store for us moving forward. It's often day by day, week by week. I don't think we (anyone) could really handle more than that.

As we look for that next glimpse - as we think about April or next year or several years down the road - we know it's in His hands. In the meantime, I will try to trust, and try to humbly realize that your love is not conditional - not based on souls saved or our geographic whereabouts. I will ask, though, for your friendship, and for your prayers. Prayers for health, especially for Michael. Prayers for wisdom. Prayers for peace. 

We don't know what tomorrow may bring, literally, in the sense of February 11, or figuratively in the broader sense of our future, but we know we serve a good, powerful, all-knowing God who has a good, wonderful plan. We've hit speed bumps and detours in the past and He has always shown us a new, better way forward. So we hold our sweet babe and set all planning aside, waiting for tomorrow in confidence of Him.

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit' - yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.'" - James 4:13-15

Our Christmas Miracle

Last year Luke and I didn't make New Year's resolutions. Instead, we shared our hopes for 2013. One of the biggest was that we would become parents this year. After trying to conceive for 3 1/2 years, we were first starting to feel hopeful about the possibility around Christmas last year. We prayed and prayed that the Lord would bless us with a sweet baby this year. And truly felt hopeful He would.

When we learned we were pregnant in May, we were overjoyed. We had given up on having a baby in 2013, but were by no means upset about that. After all, God's timing is perfect. On Tuesday night, Christmas Eve, I had mentioned to a friend those prayers and thoughts from last year, and even joked with Luke about how God does have a sense of humor and it was still possible that He would decide our child would be born this year. After a very easy first eight months of pregnancy, it really was just in jest.

So when my water broke as I stepped into the shower to get ready for the Christmas festivities for the Wessler side, I wasn't sure what to do/think/believe. Nine hours later, at 6:41 p.m. Christmas Day, Michael Alden was born at 17.25 inches and weighing 4 lbs. 14 oz. Wow! God is good! So good! And while his name has been picked out for many months, it couldn't be more fitting since Michael means "Gift from God." In addition to the marvelous gift he is, God's grace has been gifted to us in many other ways this week:

- Many of you know from this post that we were concerned about Michael's kidneys. One in particular was substantially larger than normal at earlier sonograms and we weren't sure what sort of follow up treatment he would need. We prayed. Many of you prayed. God answers prayers! His kidneys only showed a bit of swelling after birth and the doctors are not at all concerned!

- With Michael making his entrance 5 1/2 weeks early, we were told during labor that he would likely be going to the NICU. This is where the earliest and sickest babies go. But our little warrior is strong, and was sent to the level 2 nursery instead. Though it is hard to not have him at home, we are blessed that he is as healthy as he is. Right now he's the smallest baby in the nursery.

- Location location location. Seriously. We live about a mile or so from the hospital, so when they determined I was in labor, Luke easily went home to gather some belongings. And as we spend as much time as possible with Michael in the hospital while also trying to get some sleep, we are so blessed that very little of our time has to be spent in transit. Praise God!

- We are also just in awe of how God designed each of us. The human body is incredible. Labor is named as such for a reason, but is nonetheless a demonstration of God's sovereignty and power and gentleness and love. Designing women's bodies to nurture and develop another human being, and providing everything that human needs to thrive through breastmilk and love is just… wow. We'll spare you the details and just leave it at that.

- Our friends and family are amazing. AMAZING. Not a need has been expressed that hasn't been met, and we've received so much more support, encouragement, love, and practical help than we could have ever imagined. From the many lunches brought to the hospital (plus restaurant gift cards and coffee), to the friend who bought us toilet paper and dish soap simply because we didn't have time to get to the store, to those who have provided rides, and for the many wonderful gifts (who really knows whether or not they will need to buy preemie clothing?!?) brought to the hospital, to our home, or sent in the mail, it has been overwhelmingly wonderful. Even more than all that, we are in awe of the number of people who have prayed for, over and with us. Thank you! What a gift!

- And while a week ago, we didn't know how we would spend our New Year's Eve, we are ecstatic for the opportunity to spend it in the hospital with our precious newborn son, even if he is resting peacefully in the incubator.

Michael's birth drew us into the events of our Savior's birth so many years ago in the manger, knowing the pain and joy Mary felt, and sensing angels singing over the birth of each sweet baby born. In fact, I've been singing Mary Did You Know? every day since then.

Our God is so good. Please continue to pray for us and for Michael. We are exhausted, but plugging along. Michael is very tired too. It is common for premature boys to decide they don't really want to put forth the effort to eat around day four or five. Sometimes it's a short lag and sometimes it lasts days or weeks. Michael hit that wall on Saturday or Sunday and we've done most of his feeding by tube since then. He is given a very specific amount of fortified breastmilk every three hours. It seems so much for his little body, but is necessary for his growth. He is starting to gain weight, but we will not be able to bring him home until he can take all of his feedings by mouth for 24 hours. Otherwise, he is progressing very well, maintaining body temperature and proper vitals. After a few days of phototherapy, his billirubin (jaundice) has gone down and he is no longer in need of that treatment. He's becoming more and more alert (when he's not super sleepy) and more and more beautiful.

Will you pray with us that we will be together at home soon? Daddy's birthday is this Sunday, and we would really love to have Michael home to celebrate. Luke says he's the gift that keeps on giving. And if he's not home, you'll know where to find us - cradling him at the hospital.

As for 2014? We're a little wary to be too specific because we may end up surprised! But in addition to practical hopes like returning to Zambia and our goals related to that, we can say that for 2014 we hope to become better parents each day, growing in love for God, for each other, and for our sweet baby.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

God is good!

One Cup at a Time

It’s hard to see people suffering. For many of us, our very nature wants to jump in, meet the need, and end the hurt in the world. But one thing we had to learn early on to survive the mission field, is that we as individuals cannot physically help everyone in need.

Shortly before we left for Zambia, my grandfather scoffed at the idea of us helping impoverished people in Africa. There is so much need. How were we going to make a difference? He compared it to the seemingly ridiculous idea of draining the ocean one cup at a time. I told him, “Then I’m going to take my cup and get to work and hope that others join me; and when I can’t go on, I’ll hope that more will pick up where I left off.”

Perhaps the overwhelming need in Zambia – for food, shelter, clothing, medical care, role models, education, and the love of Jesus – has desensitized us. Sometimes you have to put blinders on as you walk through town just to make it through your day without giving up. And with the tornadoes that whipped through central Illinois last Sunday and destroyed so many of our friends' homes, we find ourselves doing the same thing for the first time on this side of the world, just to get through it without giving up.

It’s not that we’re ignoring the need. It’s just that if we look at all the devastation, all the need, all the hurt, all the people who’ve lost everything, we get too overwhelmed to be effective in the task before us. It becomes paralyzing.

At seven months pregnant, my options for helping are fairly limited (no piling up large debris by the roadside for me), and I’d more likely be in the way than a helpful blessing in such settings. So I’ve helped where I can – taking inventory of a friend’s battered home, listening, praying.

The beauty of it all is, that as we all give what we can where we can, the needs are met. There has been a tremendous outpouring of support from the entire community, state, and nation in response to these tornadoes. Everyone is doing something. And a lot of somethings add up to everything. I personally may not be able to help everyone, but I can help someone. And as we all help someone, a lot of someones are helped. 

That’s how it works here. That’s how it works in Zambia. We can’t feed every hungry mouth or clothe every underdressed child. But we can help the one. We can serve where we are able. We can train others like our Sports Friends coaches to do the same and they can help the ones in their lives. No one can meet every need. But everyone can meet a need.

Whether it’s contributing to hurricane relief in the Philippines, helping clean up from the tornadoes in the Midwest, sponsoring a Sports Friends coach, serving as a missionary, partnering with a missionary, or committing to prayer, you too can meet a need. And there are plenty of needs to be met, that’s for sure. But hey, I’ll do my small part as part of the body. As a laborer in the harvest. Will you do yours?

“When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.” – Matthew 9:36-38

With that, I’m reminded of the story of the man and the starfish.

“While wandering a deserted beach at dawn, stagnant in my work, I saw a man in the distance bending and throwing as he walked the endless stretch toward me. As he came near, I could see that he was throwing starfish, abandoned on the sand by the tide, back into the sea. When he was close enough I asked him why he was working so hard at this strange task. He said that the sun would dry the starfish and they would die. I said to him that I thought he was foolish. there were thousands of starfish on miles and miles of beach. One man alone could never make a difference. He smiled as he picked up the next starfish. Hurling it far into the sea he said, 'It makes a difference for this one.' I abandoned my writing and spent the morning throwing starfish.” ― Loren Eiseley

Let’s make a difference for the one. One cup at a time.

UPDATE: Mama Prays

So we just got home from the doctor (who, by the way, receives our newsletters because we had his information after we visited his church three years ago). The scans showed basically the same results as we had on Tuesday. The one kidney is about twice the size it should be (about 10 mm), and the other is slightly enlarged. 

What does that mean? Well, there's no way to know for sure at this point. There is a possibility it will work itself out before or just after birth.  That's not highly likely with the size, but our God is in control and we're just trusting Him. We will go back in eight weeks. If the kidneys are still enlarged then (or grow in pace with the rest of the body), they will recommend that the baby is checked by a pediatrician either right after birth or in the weeks to follow. If one or both kidneys is grossly enlarged at that Christmas-week appointment, there is the possibility they will recommend an early delivery (37 weeks or so). 

Though it all still could "work itself out," the cause could potentially be reflux, or a sort of back flow from the bladder. Depending on the severity, this could require long-term antibiotic use or even surgery. There's no way to know right now, and there's nothing we can do to affect the outcome. We were told, though, that if there was going to be something wrong, this would be the thing to have because it is very common.

Obviously, this could change our plans on when we go back to Zambia, but we are optimistic -- hopeful -- that we will still be able to return within two months of his birth. Either way, it's in God's hands and we just ask that you pray with us for the best outcome and for peace and patience along the way. 

One benefit of these extra appointments (that I'm sure we'll be paying for when the bills come in), is the extra sonograms, including some cool 3D shots today. Baby has a big head (we blame the Ludwig genes), a chin dimple (that's mostly from Grandma Wessler's side, though a bit from Grandpa Ludwig), and a seemingly perfect heart and skeletal system. For that we praise God. 

For the original post, click here.

He does not have a strange growth on his face - that's just a byproduct of 3D ultrasounds. :)