Helpless. So many
times in the last year and a half I have just felt helpless.
Today I went to Kimasala with one purpose – to encourage
Jillian. Jillian’s grandmother brought
her to Lusa Home-Based Care about a year ago to see if Mama Yoba would be
willing to allow she and her three precious children to stay in one of the
small houses on the property. Jillian
had recently been hospitalized – the HIV had so crippled her immune system that
she nearly died of sickness. While in
the hospital, her husband walked away, and married another woman. Staying at Lusa would mean Jillian would be
closer to the hospital, providing better access to ARVs and proper medical
care.
A few months into her time at Lusa, Jillian gave birth to
her fourth child, Moses. So afraid she
would be kicked out (abandoned once more), Jillian didn’t tell Mama Yoba (a
certified birthing assistant and champion against the spread of HIV) she was
pregnant. Mama Yoba only learned of it
when she was called on in the middle of the night to deliver the baby. Praise the Lord that Moses is a growing,
(seemingly) healthy boy.
In addition to watching Moses and his siblings grow over the
last year, I have had the joy to get to know Jillian – to see her body grow
stronger, to be humbled by her hard work and servant’s heart, and to see her
spirit grow in maturity in Christ. While
she has been afraid of being “chased” from Lusa, we all see her as a vital part
of the ministry there. Though her mother
pulled her from school in grade nine so that she could get married, she is
incredibly intelligent. Though she has
been raising four children tirelessly, she also helps to cook for, teach and
love the many children we serve at Lusa.
She has built friendships and become “part of the family” in so many
ways.
Jillian helping make jewelry to sell
So I was quite surprised at our ladies Bible study on
Thursday to find her distracted, tired, and generally just “off.” The children were dirtier than usual and the
light was gone from Jillian’s face.
Midway through our study, a woman came around and was yelling at Jillian
and she got up and went to speak to the lady.
Afterward, Regina told me the story. Apparently the woman was her mother, who had been coming by
the center for several days. At first
she went only to Mama Yoba, telling her it was time for her daughter to return
to their village. Mama Yoba did not want
Jillian to feel she was not welcome anymore, so she told the woman that she
needed to talk to Jillian herself. From
what I understand, people from her village had told Jillian’s (ex) husband that
she had survived the near-death hospital stay, had another child (his), and was
happy and thriving at Lusa. They told
him what a hard worker she is and how he would be better off with her than with
the “replacement” wife. So he went to
the mother to convince her to bring Jillian back. Both her husband and her mother had been
coming by Lusa over the course of a week or so and trying to convince Jillian
to go. Jillian was feeling obligated
(and I have little doubt the man was forcing himself on her when he would come
around), but yet knew she would be leaving the love, safety, provision, and
family that had surrounded her at Lusa.
So yes, she was distracted, torn about what to do and unsure the way
forward.
Big mess. I had a
heavy heart leaving Regina’s home that afternoon. We talked about ways to encourage Jillian –
to let her know what she means to us and to speak truth into her heart of her
worth as a Child of God. We talked of
having her on a regular teaching schedule with the kids, and really trying to
spend time with her so she’s not trapped by the burden she’s carrying. Later at home, Luke and I talked about having
her come stay at our house for a bit so her husband couldn’t find her. We thought of going to the mother to try to “talk
sense into her.” But culturally, things are so different, and we really didn’t
know what to do.
Knowing Regina and Mama Yoba would be out over the weekend
through today, I went to Lusa to see Jillian, stopping to buy some bread rolls
and bananas on the way for her family.
When I arrived, I arrived to an empty room. She had gone back. My heart sank. And I walked home – helpless.
Helpless. Like when
little Chris ran away from Lusa and we couldn’t just call up Missing Persons
and send out people to find him. Like when the dog and cat have been so sick
and we couldn’t rush them to a veterinary hospital. Like when Luke was stuck on an airplane for
30 hours trying to get home to see his grandfather one last time. Like when the truck came flying out of the
grass toward our vehicle and there was nothing we could do...
Except turn to Jesus.
In those moments of helplessness - complete vulnerability; those times
when you’ve exhausted every possible answer and resource; when the problems
seem too big…He is there. Cry out to Abba
Father and pray. As an older missionary recently
said to me, “some problems are best solved on your knees.” The way I see it, some problems are only solved on your knees. In our weakness, He makes us strong. In our helplessness, He is the Helper. When we have nothing left to give or are
absolutely unable to move forward, He will carry us. When we step out of the way, He solves the
problems in ways that supersede anything we can do in our own strength.
It’s at those times that I’m reminded that as sinners, there
is nothing we ourselves can do to make things right with God. We may exhaust every option – good deeds,
sacrifices, turning to false gods and idols – but we are helpless. Until we turn to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus, whose death on the cross
was the only option that could rescue us from our brokenness – to restore
humanity to eternal life with the Father.
So tonight I’m praying for Jillian, knowing she’s in God’s
hands and He can protect her much better than I can. I’m also praying for you. That you’ll allow Jesus to heal your broken
heart, to rescue you from helplessness, from brokenness.
Because sometimes, that's the only thing we can do.
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