Last week I kicked Luke out into the guest room hoping he might get a bit more sleep that way, and I could call on him in moments of exhausted deprivation. And it does work a bit, unless Michael wakes up at 3 a.m. and insists on watching movies and daddy is too tired to fight that battle so he gets up and sits on the couch until a few hours in when Michael drifts back to sleep and Luke can start his day with quiet time and coffee and getting ready for work. No going back to sleep there.
In the meantime, our waking hours together are spent juggling kids and laundry and life, and as of late, taking turns getting incredibly frustrated at a certain three-nager who is testing every last fiber of resolve we have left. Call it adjustment to baby sister. Call it being three. Whatever it is, it's tough. Like, makes-me-want-to-pull-my-hair-out-and-scream sometimes tough.
Let me tell you, I am so grateful for the man I married. He works his tail off with great integrity and passion, and still comes home to graciously and selflessly help tame the circus. He even puts up with my postpartum mood swings and body woes. On pretty much zero sleep. And not a lot in it for him other than the wonderful meals many of our church friends have been bringing.
But there again, gratitude. It's taken awhile for us to really feel like we have a place here. We didn't immediately have a tribe, a community, those go-to friendships that keep life sweet and sane. But in the last several months that has started to shift. We have new neighbors with little boys who are deep in the trenches of parenthood and sleep deprivation and they get us and support us and make us laugh. They even went above and beyond by taking in Michael as their own while we were busy birthing a baby. And made cookies to boot. Another friend I randomly met at the park soon after we moved here not only hosted a sweet baby shower for me, but also added Michael to her chaos while I was still in the hospital and again shortly after to give me a little break.
Then there's our church friends. Let me tell you, we have some people in our church who know how to cook. And how to package it all up incredibly wonderful so I don't have to put forth the least bit of effort to feed my family, including little extras for breakfast and dessert and everything in disposable containers. Talk about blessings. We are so blessed. Add to that the prayers, notes, gifts, and encouragement and id say we're starting to feel as much at home as we really can this side of eternity.
As I reflect on all these blessings and thoughts, I can't help but see how this week was able to sneak up on me, and fly by. That's probably good, as thinking back to a year ago does bring sadness, and sometimes even feelings of betrayal to the one that was. One year ago we started to miscarry a sweet little, maybe as many weeks gestation as Annalynn is old. It was a strange pregnancy from the start so it wasn't all that surprising, but it was still hard. Physically and emotionally hard. Our joy in the Lord truly did give us strength, and the promise a few months later of another sweet little provided a true rainbow of hope. Holding my baby girl, I can't help but wonder what if, and recognize that without that loss, we wouldn't have our sweet Annalynn. I know that little baby is safe and will never have to face the pain and disappointments in this world. And I know that God's ways are not our ways, and we may never understand the why's and what ifs.
But as I sit here in my sleep-deprived thoughtfulness, I'm grateful. Grateful that God is bigger and awesome and just knows and creates and purposes and I don't have to have the answers because he's got it all under control. Grateful that he's brought us here for this season, and while he never lets us get too comfortable, he's provided community for us as we do life. Grateful for the sleepless nights because she's so worth it. Grateful for the sleepless days as Michael grows and learns and pushes every limit. Grateful for his sweet tender heart and his love for his sister, even if he can't quite navigate the emotions quite yet. Grateful for friends. Grateful for a church centered on preaching the Word. And grateful for the amazing man God gave me to adventure with each day. For his unconditional love, his example of worship, and his loyalty.
Grateful for God.
I am blessed.
