Ramblings of a (grateful) Sleep-Deprived Mommy

So much on my mind tonight as I rock and nurse my sweet baby to sleep. So many thoughts I haven't had a spare second to think and feelings I haven't had the energy to feel. There's the desperation for more sleep, as Annalynn still confuses day and night. She's really an easy baby, but whereas during the day she'll pass out anywhere and nothing will wake her, at night she just doesn't like going back to sleep. Me, I love sleep. Long, nighttime, cozy sleep. But that's not happening. 

Last week I kicked Luke out into the guest room hoping he might get a bit more sleep that way, and I could call on him in moments of exhausted deprivation. And it does work a bit, unless Michael wakes up at 3 a.m. and insists on watching movies and daddy is too tired to fight that battle so he gets up and sits on the couch until a few hours in when Michael drifts back to sleep and Luke can start his day with quiet time and coffee and getting ready for work. No going back to sleep there. 

In the meantime, our waking hours together are spent juggling kids and laundry and life, and as of late, taking turns getting incredibly frustrated at a certain three-nager who is testing every last fiber of resolve we have left. Call it adjustment to baby sister. Call it being three. Whatever it is, it's tough. Like, makes-me-want-to-pull-my-hair-out-and-scream sometimes tough. 

Let me tell you, I am so grateful for the man I married. He works his tail off with great integrity and passion, and still comes home to graciously and selflessly help tame the circus. He even puts up with my postpartum mood swings and body woes. On pretty much zero sleep. And not a lot in it for him other than the wonderful meals many of our church friends have been bringing. 

But there again, gratitude. It's taken awhile for us to really feel like we have a place here. We didn't immediately have a tribe, a community, those go-to friendships that keep life sweet and sane. But in the last several months that has started to shift. We have new neighbors with little boys who are deep in the trenches of parenthood and sleep deprivation and they get us and support us and make us laugh. They even went above and beyond by taking in Michael as their own while we were busy birthing a baby. And made cookies to boot. Another friend I randomly met at the park soon after we moved here not only hosted a sweet baby shower for me, but also added Michael to her chaos while I was still in the hospital and again shortly after to give me a little break. 

Then there's our church friends. Let me tell you, we have some people in our church who know how to cook. And how to package it all up incredibly wonderful so I don't have to put forth the least bit of effort to feed my family, including little extras for breakfast and dessert and everything in disposable containers. Talk about blessings. We are so blessed. Add to that the prayers, notes, gifts, and encouragement and id say we're starting to feel as much at home as we really can this side of eternity.

As I reflect on all these blessings and thoughts, I can't help but see how this week was able to sneak up on me, and fly by. That's probably good, as thinking back to a year ago does bring sadness, and sometimes even feelings of betrayal to the one that was. One year ago we started to miscarry a sweet little, maybe as many weeks gestation as Annalynn is old. It was a strange pregnancy from the start so it wasn't all that surprising, but it was still hard. Physically and emotionally hard. Our joy in the Lord truly did give us strength, and the promise a few months later of another sweet little provided a true rainbow of hope. Holding my baby girl, I can't help but wonder what if, and recognize that without that loss, we wouldn't have our sweet Annalynn. I know that little baby is safe and will never have to face the pain and disappointments in this world. And I know that God's ways are not our ways, and we may never understand the why's and what ifs. 

But as I sit here in my sleep-deprived thoughtfulness, I'm grateful. Grateful that God is bigger and awesome and just knows and creates and purposes and I don't have to have the answers because he's got it all under control. Grateful that he's brought us here for this season, and while he never lets us get too comfortable, he's provided community for us as we do life. Grateful for the sleepless nights because she's so worth it. Grateful for the sleepless days as Michael grows and learns and pushes every limit. Grateful for his sweet tender heart and his love for his sister, even if he can't quite navigate the emotions quite yet. Grateful for friends. Grateful for a church centered on preaching the Word. And grateful for the amazing man God gave me to adventure with each day. For his unconditional love, his example of worship, and his loyalty. 

Grateful for God. 

I am blessed.

Our Christmas Miracle

Last year Luke and I didn't make New Year's resolutions. Instead, we shared our hopes for 2013. One of the biggest was that we would become parents this year. After trying to conceive for 3 1/2 years, we were first starting to feel hopeful about the possibility around Christmas last year. We prayed and prayed that the Lord would bless us with a sweet baby this year. And truly felt hopeful He would.

When we learned we were pregnant in May, we were overjoyed. We had given up on having a baby in 2013, but were by no means upset about that. After all, God's timing is perfect. On Tuesday night, Christmas Eve, I had mentioned to a friend those prayers and thoughts from last year, and even joked with Luke about how God does have a sense of humor and it was still possible that He would decide our child would be born this year. After a very easy first eight months of pregnancy, it really was just in jest.

So when my water broke as I stepped into the shower to get ready for the Christmas festivities for the Wessler side, I wasn't sure what to do/think/believe. Nine hours later, at 6:41 p.m. Christmas Day, Michael Alden was born at 17.25 inches and weighing 4 lbs. 14 oz. Wow! God is good! So good! And while his name has been picked out for many months, it couldn't be more fitting since Michael means "Gift from God." In addition to the marvelous gift he is, God's grace has been gifted to us in many other ways this week:

- Many of you know from this post that we were concerned about Michael's kidneys. One in particular was substantially larger than normal at earlier sonograms and we weren't sure what sort of follow up treatment he would need. We prayed. Many of you prayed. God answers prayers! His kidneys only showed a bit of swelling after birth and the doctors are not at all concerned!

- With Michael making his entrance 5 1/2 weeks early, we were told during labor that he would likely be going to the NICU. This is where the earliest and sickest babies go. But our little warrior is strong, and was sent to the level 2 nursery instead. Though it is hard to not have him at home, we are blessed that he is as healthy as he is. Right now he's the smallest baby in the nursery.

- Location location location. Seriously. We live about a mile or so from the hospital, so when they determined I was in labor, Luke easily went home to gather some belongings. And as we spend as much time as possible with Michael in the hospital while also trying to get some sleep, we are so blessed that very little of our time has to be spent in transit. Praise God!

- We are also just in awe of how God designed each of us. The human body is incredible. Labor is named as such for a reason, but is nonetheless a demonstration of God's sovereignty and power and gentleness and love. Designing women's bodies to nurture and develop another human being, and providing everything that human needs to thrive through breastmilk and love is just… wow. We'll spare you the details and just leave it at that.

- Our friends and family are amazing. AMAZING. Not a need has been expressed that hasn't been met, and we've received so much more support, encouragement, love, and practical help than we could have ever imagined. From the many lunches brought to the hospital (plus restaurant gift cards and coffee), to the friend who bought us toilet paper and dish soap simply because we didn't have time to get to the store, to those who have provided rides, and for the many wonderful gifts (who really knows whether or not they will need to buy preemie clothing?!?) brought to the hospital, to our home, or sent in the mail, it has been overwhelmingly wonderful. Even more than all that, we are in awe of the number of people who have prayed for, over and with us. Thank you! What a gift!

- And while a week ago, we didn't know how we would spend our New Year's Eve, we are ecstatic for the opportunity to spend it in the hospital with our precious newborn son, even if he is resting peacefully in the incubator.

Michael's birth drew us into the events of our Savior's birth so many years ago in the manger, knowing the pain and joy Mary felt, and sensing angels singing over the birth of each sweet baby born. In fact, I've been singing Mary Did You Know? every day since then.

Our God is so good. Please continue to pray for us and for Michael. We are exhausted, but plugging along. Michael is very tired too. It is common for premature boys to decide they don't really want to put forth the effort to eat around day four or five. Sometimes it's a short lag and sometimes it lasts days or weeks. Michael hit that wall on Saturday or Sunday and we've done most of his feeding by tube since then. He is given a very specific amount of fortified breastmilk every three hours. It seems so much for his little body, but is necessary for his growth. He is starting to gain weight, but we will not be able to bring him home until he can take all of his feedings by mouth for 24 hours. Otherwise, he is progressing very well, maintaining body temperature and proper vitals. After a few days of phototherapy, his billirubin (jaundice) has gone down and he is no longer in need of that treatment. He's becoming more and more alert (when he's not super sleepy) and more and more beautiful.

Will you pray with us that we will be together at home soon? Daddy's birthday is this Sunday, and we would really love to have Michael home to celebrate. Luke says he's the gift that keeps on giving. And if he's not home, you'll know where to find us - cradling him at the hospital.

As for 2014? We're a little wary to be too specific because we may end up surprised! But in addition to practical hopes like returning to Zambia and our goals related to that, we can say that for 2014 we hope to become better parents each day, growing in love for God, for each other, and for our sweet baby.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

God is good!