Great is Thy Faithfulness

Sometimes hard, ugly, painful, scary stuff happens.  Watching the news (or my Facebook newsfeed), it seems rare that there is ever a time when hard, ugly, painful, scary stuff isn't happening. Seriously. While the media can certainly desensitize us to the ugly things of this world, it can also wrench your heart into pieces and send you to your knees in prayer.

Today I woke up to the news that an infection took the life of a young missionary girl in Thailand. In the last few weeks, I had one friend lose her mother and another his son. Good friends from our church are learning a new normal after their three-year-old lost his legs in a lawn mowing accident. So many others I know are dealing with hard decisions, struggling marriages, and a whole lot of other ugly, painful, scary, stuff. I can't even begin to think of the struggles of those whose loved ones were on the Malaysian flight, or are on the front lines in the Gaza strip or the conflict in the Ukraine.

And not to discount the small, everyday weights that may be bearing on you and on us right now. You know, those little things that add up and just push you right over the edge but you stuff them down because it all seems so petty compared to the big, ugly stuff of the world. The car that won't start. The argument with your boss. The cookies that get burnt or the toddler who won't sleep. I hear you brother, sister, and those feelings are very real.

We live in a fallen world, folks. Whether your trials are small or immense, they're hard. I get that.

Our house was broken into yesterday. Really, our office, which is attached to our carport, separate from the house. Everything was thrown around as the perpetrator searched for money (not just speculation - he actually wrote "I need cash" in the dust on the hood of our vehicle). There wasn't money to take, but he did make off with an external hard drive, several flash drives, and other small items he could try to sell for the money he needed.

Despite living in a culture that is overwhelmed by poverty and desperation and material "stuff" is just that, this sort of thing can shake you to your core. For Luke with all that he's been struggling with lately, this put him right up onto the edge of burnout. Admittedly, I was shaken for sure, but I felt immense peace in the midst of it. In fact, I think it actually annoyed my husband when I didn't flip out. I just got mad at him for waking Michael up in the middle of it all. I don't know what it is, and I'm not trying to sound super strong and righteous, but God has just filled me with peace lately.

When we received a $700 water bill that our renters didn't pay - peace.

When we discovered that our electric line is sparking in the middle of a tree by our house - peace.

When we struggled to get the ownership on our new vehicle changed - peace.

And when we discovered the office ransacked and things missing - peace.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."- John 16:33

I can't explain it, other than that maybe God has given me an extra measure of peace at a time when Luke and Michael most need me to be strong.

We've been told that different terms of service on the mission field have different significance and purpose. We've only been here a few months, and I feel like I'm here more for what God is doing in me than what I'm doing for Him. Over and over again He has drawn me into prayer and given me great peace. In these trials - ours and those of the people around us, I just keep seeing His faithfulness.

Friend, He is so faithful. For real. I could basically type out Romans 8 right now and leave it at that.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." - Romans 8:18

We have hope. Brother, Sister, we have Hope in the hard, ugly, painful, scary stuff. We know the verses. We sing the songs, but I think it is in the midst of that very stuff - the hard, ugly, painful, scary stuff - that we can bask in His face and His glory and His faithfulness. And we have hope.

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." - Romans 8:24-25

Luke often sings Great is thy Faithfulness to rock Michael to sleep when he's upset. Today, I found myself doing the same. And he calmed, released, and fell asleep in my arms. Perhaps it was the familiar sound. Perhaps it was the words. Perhaps it was the calm and peace he sensed in me as I was engulfed in the recognition and awe of His faithfulness.

Faithful in His Sovereignty and Grace and Redemption. Faithful in providing all that we could ever want or need. Faithful because He Is all we could ever truly want or need. Faithful in His unconditional Love for His children. Faithful in the promise that He will return and wrong will be made right and good will triumph over evil. Faithful as that very day draws nearer every moment. Great is thy Faithfulness.

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died - more than that, who was raised - who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, 'For your sake we are being killed all day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:31-39 

Friend, in this world we will have troubles. The everyday battles are real - even hard, ugly, painful and scary. But the ultimate battle has been won and faithful is the One who has overcome the world. And we can cling desperately to that hope when the broken stuff of this world threatens to rob us of our strength, our joy, and our peace. He is faithful, and His promises are true - and oh so good.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'" - Revelation 21:4-5a

He is faithful.

"Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow. Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me."

Come Lord Jesus.

On Going… or Staying

Tomorrow is the big day. The visit to the urologist. Luke and I have probably put undue weight on the outcome of this appointment in our decision on when, and if, to go back to Zambia. But regardless of the validity of that weight, it's there.

Michael has kidney reflux, vesicoureteral reflux, to give you the technical term. We suspected this months ago when his kidneys were enlarged in utero, but tests last month confirmed it. On a scale from zero to 5, the radiologist said the one side is a 1, and the other a 2 or 3. According to our pediatrician, this means he'll likely grow out of it. Even so, it will require some degree of follow up, to be determined at the urologist tomorrow.

We'd like to go back to Zambia in April. That's what we've been saying since we learned we were expecting. We may even be able to do follow up in South Africa, or even Lusaka, Zambia. But while I at least am holding out hope that will be the case, it might not work out that way.  The tests and medications may require we stay here.

So for the past several weeks (months), we've been throwing around a lot of "what ifs?". What if we have to stay in the states longer? What if we need to be here permanently? And after my obstetrician said it is very likely I would have preterm labor with future pregnancies and need weekly shots from mid-pregnancy on to help prevent that, what if we go back now and wrap things up when/if we get pregnant again?

And to be completely honest, we have valid options for all of the above scenarios. We know that God has a good and perfect plan for us and for Michael and if He wants us back in Zambia, He'll get us there in His timing. But I'm going to share an honest look at my heart in all of this…

First of all, we're not heartless or irresponsible when it comes to Michael. We don't want to take him somewhere where he will be in danger or "deprived" as some have put it. We know that growing up in the mission field has it's risks but it also carries an amazing richness of life we would love for him. We're not blinded to the risks, though, and are taking his needs into foremost consideration as we look at our future.

That said, though, we also know that if that is where the Lord wants us, His hand of peace and protection will be on us. As the psalmist says, "If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall lead me." (Psalm 139:9-10)

But here's the heart issue. I'm worried about you. Our friends and supporters. What will you think if we don't go back? What will you think if we have to spend a few extra months stateside before we head back? Are we letting you down? Failing in your sight? Or in a very practical sense, squandering your support as we wait? 

As someone who desperately wants the approval of others, your reactions are sometimes more daunting than the actual course of action. The fact that you could think that we are being lazy or greedy or whatever other concept I can think of as I worry is well, worrisome. That we may have "failed" in our missionary endeavor that we've set our hearts, minds, and life on since we started dating almost 10 years ago is frightening. Who are we if not missionaries? What would life even look like if not focused on taking His Word to the nations?

Yes, we know we can have that same focus from central Illinois or Charlotte or Dallas. We could work with SIM or Sports Friends in recruiting or material development or communications or other ways to further the Great Commission. Or we could be going back to Zambia for a shorter, more determined period of time, or perhaps indefinitely. We don't know - and we may not know after we visit the doctor tomorrow. 

God rarely spells out more than a short glimpse of what He has in store for us moving forward. It's often day by day, week by week. I don't think we (anyone) could really handle more than that.

As we look for that next glimpse - as we think about April or next year or several years down the road - we know it's in His hands. In the meantime, I will try to trust, and try to humbly realize that your love is not conditional - not based on souls saved or our geographic whereabouts. I will ask, though, for your friendship, and for your prayers. Prayers for health, especially for Michael. Prayers for wisdom. Prayers for peace. 

We don't know what tomorrow may bring, literally, in the sense of February 11, or figuratively in the broader sense of our future, but we know we serve a good, powerful, all-knowing God who has a good, wonderful plan. We've hit speed bumps and detours in the past and He has always shown us a new, better way forward. So we hold our sweet babe and set all planning aside, waiting for tomorrow in confidence of Him.

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit' - yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.'" - James 4:13-15