In my weakness...

We leave to return to Zambia in four weeks. Four weeks. It sounds so distant, but it is fast approaching, and emotions are running high. We've experienced most of this before - excitement regarding the upcoming travel, sadness over leaving family and friends behind, stress as we wrap up a variety of last-minute details.

But this time it's...different.

When we moved to Zambia in 2010, we were filled with excitement and expectation. Everything we had been working towards since before we started dating in 2004 was finally happening. We were moving overseas - to Africa - to serve as missionaries. We were starting a new life. It was all a great adventure. We were riding on a spiritual and emotional high.

And then things changed. Days, weeks, months went by. That adventure became life. And at times, life was hard. But we had each other, and we had God, and we made it through. What I didn't realize at the time, though, was how much I acted as my own worst enemy, how often I brought myself down, telling myself I wasn't good enough. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't qualified enough. I was in way over my head. I brought myself so low that, by the end of our first term, I was completely burned out and empty. I needed to come back on Home Assignment.

And I didn't want to go back to Zambia.

I managed to convince myself that I wasn't the right person to lead the ministry in Zambia. I could list off name after name of people I thought could do a better job. People more qualified. People more spiritual. People with more energy, more training, more vision. People with a better relationship with God.

The thing is, I continued to feel this way up until just recently. Even after Tiffany booked our tickets to return, I was convinced that we were only going back by default. We had to go back, because the right people hadn't been found, so we were warm bodies willing to fill in until then. It wasn't until recently that this all began to change.

We were asked to talk about our ministry to the Jr. and Sr. High youth groups at a supporting church. They wanted us to talk about what we do, but more importantly they wanted us to talk about how we got there. How did we know God called us on mission? What steps did we take to get into the field? And it was in reflecting on these questions and preparing for this presentation that I realized that I was actually right. I'm not good enough, or talented enough, or smart enough.

And I'm not supposed to be.

After all, if I were good enough, I wouldn't need God to do the work - His work. Paul knew this and wrote about it in several of his letters, probably most notably in 2 Corinthians 12, where he says in verses 9 and 10,

"But [Jesus] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (ESV)

Paul, this great missionary and leader in the early church, understood that he wasn't good enough. He would never be good enough. And this is what made his ministry so successful, because it kept him from relying upon his own strength and seeking to receive all the glory. Rather, he needed to rely upon Christ for the ability to continue in ministry, and it was Christ who caused the growth, who orchestrated the change, who made the difference, and who received the glory.

As we go back to Zambia, I don't want to be good enough. I want to rely upon Christ. I want to be open and ready to be used by Him, and my "good enough-ness" would stand in His way.

Refocusing My Heart

2%

Of the earth’s population, it is only 2% who leave all they know and move to a completely foreign land to live and work.

We’re not talking about moving across the country, or even from one country to a similar country, such as the United States to Canada.  No.  We’re talking about New Zealand to India, Germany to Peru… or the United States to Zambia.

If it were easy to move cross-culturally, more than 2% of people would do it.  But it’s not easy.  And we have been reminded of this truth almost every day since we arrived.

People come by at all hours of the day, and we have needed to learn to give up our food, time, and even sleep to adjust to this open-door culture.  When we do laundry, it takes up to 5 days before we can wear those clothes again; if we put them on sooner, we may have fly larvae burrow into our skin.  Sometimes you can get milk, or cheese, or eggs, or bread; sometimes you can’t.  Sometimes you have power, or running water; sometimes you don’t.

Life is different.

And we knew it would be when we came.  But we were compelled by love.  And as we continue to adjust to the culture, I have been confronted with what the focus of my affection truly is.

As a missionary, we need to love the people to whom we minister.  In our case, this includes a love for the orphans and vulnerable children, as well as the sick and dying, the elderly, the poor, and everybody else in Solwezi.  Christ says that we need to love our neighbors, and we do.

But if it were love for our neighbor that brought me here, I can say that it is not love for our neighbor that keeps me here.  After somebody broke into our home while we were at church, it was not love for our neighbor that kept me here.  I felt little love for my neighbor at that point.

It is love for Christ that keeps me here.

Isn’t this the compulsion we saw demonstrated by Paul?  While on his first missionary journey, the people of Antioch and Iconium stoned him until he was nearly dead.  His response?  He returned to the city.  Why?  Because His passion for Christ compelled Him to bring the Gospel (see Acts 14). 

And so this is my prayer for me, and my prayer for you as well.  May a passion and love for Christ drive you in whatever you do.  For it is only through Him that you can overcome the trials and opposition you face along the way.  

Life... With Purpose

"Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death.  For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me.  Yet which I choose I cannot tell.  I am hard pressed between the two.  My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.  But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account."

~Philippians 1:18c-24

On Friday, September 17, 2010, I read these words during my morning devotions.  This passage is so familiar to me, as I am sure it is familiar to so many of you, but it never struck me before as it did that morning.  I spent much of my day chewing on it, pondering its implications for my life.  More specifically, I thought about how God is keeping me here for a specific purpose.  The same is true for all of us.  The lives we live have a great purpose - a purpose determined by God.  That purpose involves affecting others.  Paul understood this, stating in verse 24 that he remained alive because the Philippians had something still to learn from him.  God was not yet done with him.

As I spent the day meditating on these words, I had no idea that God would use them to comfort me and grow me in the days that would follow.

On Saturday, September 18, 2010, my family was forever changed.  That was the day that Mike died.  We were immediately faced with the questions that so many in similar circumstances have faced.  Questions of "Why?  Why would God take Mike from us?  What good could possibly come of this?"  This event has helped me understand the anger that others express at God when something bad happens - I felt it.  It helped me understand the pain of loosing a piece of your heart - I can feel the hole.

I'm not ready to "get over it" yet.  And I may never be.

But, I am beginning to understand, I think (maybe).

Everything we do affects those around us.  We do not live in isolation, no matter how hard we try.  We live in community - that's how we were designed.  The purpose we have been given, then, is to play a role in the lives of those around us.  As a Christian, I believe this to mean that I am called to share the love of Christ with the people around me.  We may not know exactly who we are supposed to affect, but that doesn't necessarily matter.  What matters is that we live well, for the lives we have are not our own.

Mike lived well.  And we are now getting a glimpse at the impact he had on those around him.

For those who continue, I pray that God will guide us to live in a way that glorifies Him and shows His love to the nations.  And I praise God that when my time is finished - when my purpose is complete - I can spend the rest of eternity with Him.