Four Things This Missionary Won't Tell You (But actually will, because he just did...)

There’s a blog post that’s being shared all over facebook that describes the 10 things missionaries won’t tell you. And I’ll admit, I read it. I resonated with a lot of it. And I shared it along with 10,000+ other people (incidentally, that one post has been shared almost as many times as this blog has been seen in the last 7 years combined). It was on my timeline for all of 7 minutes. Then I took it down.

I took it down because, though there’s much I agree with, there were parts that I, well, didn’t so much. It could have been his point, it could’ve been the tone, but either way, I realized that I didn’t want everything he said to be taken as what I would say. It’s not.

And then I realized, I’m a missionary. I have thoughts. And I have a blog. It may be a blog that nobody really reads, and it might need some serious updating, but it’s out there. And I can use it to write my own “things that this missionary won’t tell you but really does because we are open books in this house”. So here’s my list. I’m not speaking for other missionaries here – this is all me.

Our African "wildlife"

First off, communication. We know we need to write more updates and send more thank you notes. We are constantly talking about how we need to update our blog. And it’s not because we aren’t writers that we don’t update. (Well, that’s part of why I don’t update. Tiffany’s a writer, so that’s not really her reason.) I don’t write many updates because, as hard as this might be to believe, there’s really not that much to talk about most of the time.

Yes, we live in Africa, but we don’t have wild animals wandering around outside our house. We have two dogs and a cat. Our neighbors next door have some goats. Across the street, more dogs. Want to see traditional African wildlife? We can take a three-hour car ride to the game park and see some there if we’re lucky.

Yes, we are missionaries doing full-time ministry. But, much like those in full-time ministry in the US, that doesn’t mean we are seeing people trusting in Christ by the hundreds on a day-to-day basis. It doesn’t even mean we are out in the community spending countless hours building relationships with the local people. Because the people we work with have jobs, and families, and lives, just like we do. We build relationships and spend time with them when we can and when they can, but it’s not an every day thing. In fact, my typical day involves waking up (probably way earlier than I want to because the dogs are barking or Michael decides to wake up), doing my quiet time while I drink my coffee, then spending a bajillion hours holed away in my office reading and researching and planning and writing training materials. A few times in the week I’m able to have a brief phone conversation with a local sports minister or pastor. Wednesdays I spend most of the morning working in our garden, and then in the afternoon I make macaroni and cheese for my lunch/dinner. Basically, if you spend a day with me, you’d be bored out of your mind. And so I don’t write about it, because it’d be about as interesting to read as Little Women (which I will admit I haven’t read, but if it’s anything like the movie, I would imagine passing a kidney stone to be more enjoyable).

Which brings me to my second point: prayer requests. We need your prayers, and we deeply appreciate everybody who has been and continues to pray for us. We try to keep you all updated with our more pressing and immediate concerns, whether it’s illness or upcoming meetings or something involving the people we work with. But, that’s not all we need prayer for. Life in full-time ministry is hard, living and working on a spiritual battlefield. It’s true in the US, and it’s true here. We get down. We have bad days (weeks?). We question our effectiveness and even our calling from time to time. But we don’t always share all of these requests with everybody. In fact, I’ll even say that we probably need the most prayer when you haven’t heard anything from us in a while. Sometimes it gets so hard, we don’t know how to articulate it, so we don’t say anything at all.

Next up, money. Not all missionaries have to raise support; we do. But we haven’t found this to be some great burden that we must do in order to do what we want to do. We have been blown away time and again by the way God has provided for our needs, as we have never found ourselves under-supported and unable to continue. I have a friend who recently wrote a book about support-raising as worship, and really, it is. It is an opportunity for us to share what God is doing around the world, and it is an opportunity for people to join in this work. It’s not our work or our ministry; it’s God’s work. We may be on the front lines, but we aren’t the only ones involved. And assembling this team has been one of the greatest encouragements in ministry. Thank you to all who are a part of it.

Finally, loneliness. Yes, we are lonely. I mean, is that really surprising to anybody? Missionaries leave their friends and family behind and move to a new and different place. Obviously we are lonely. And that gets amplified by a number of factors. Yes, I have a relationship with Christ so I’m never actually alone. Yes, I have a wonderful wife who I love spending time with. But, I’m an extrovert, so not having people around me with whom I can relate is extremely draining, and I can’t put the responsibility on introverted somewhat-less-extroverted-than-meTiffany to keep me energized and entertained all day every day. The longer we live in Zambia, this becomes less of an issue as we are better able to relate with the Zambian people without necessarily feeling like we have to be “on” in order to be culturally relevant and appropriate. But, it’s still an issue.

But sometimes loneliness comes because the people around us, with whom we should be able to relate well, we just don’t get along with for one reason or another. Yes, everybody deals with conflict between coworkers from time to time. I get that. But when you live in a completely different country and these are the only people around who share a similar background, it’s hard. You can feel like you have nobody else to lean on, and so you end up feeling…lonely. (Caveat: I’m not saying we don’t get along with our fellow missionaries here. I’m simply saying that, even a small disagreement can seem bigger and more difficult because you’re not on the same page with the people around you who are inherently most like you.)

And though we are lonely, we are often too proud to say so. Or, we don’t know how to say it. I mean, do you get on facebook and say “I’m really lonely today. Maybe somebody should say hi”? But we do get on facebook. And we do appreciate when people “like” what we say. I actually click through to find out who “likes” it. Because it tells me that, though you may not have anything to say back, you at least acknowledge our existence, and that makes us feel a little bit more connected to somebody. (Interestingly enough, facebook stalking is just as creepy to us here, so if you’re going to mention one of our posts in a future conversation with us, please at least like what we had to say.)

This isn’t really a cry for attention – well, maybe a little one. It’s just a simple request from this missionary. I don’t often say write much, but when I do, I like to know if people are listening reading.

So, that’s my long list of only four things that this missionary won’t say but actually just did. I’m sure there are more, and this may be followed by an addendum or two in the future. 

Things You Don’t See Every Day… But We Do

 There are a lot of times we think we have nothing interesting to say – that you all would be bored with our stories, pictures, and anecdotes from every day life here.  But lately we have realized that some of what we now consider everyday life is incredibly odd/foreign/interesting to the western world.  Things that might seem “old hat” to us now, were fascinating when we arrived.  So in an effort to appreciate life around us and keep you all amused (not all our posts can be super deep and spiritual), here are a few standard glimpses of Zambian life (photo illustrated where possible).  And if you comment and share your thoughts and reactions, we may just post more like this in the future…

The only way to transport heavy goods

Unless you have a bicycle, in which case, you transport pigs (or goats) by bicycle.
 Or 300+ pounds of charcoal.  Or full size iron roofing sheets.

Locals supporting your favorite teams -
with no idea they're doing so.  Thank you
used clothing market...

Funny-shaped eggplant

Mosquito nets

Christmas candles - melting in the sun

Incredible teaching

People, shops, street vendors, cars... everywhere

Rainbows and Waterfalls!

Women working with a baby on their backs

Anthills. Huge anthills with trees on top.
Dug out to make bricks

Mango Trees!

Pineapple plants! Did you know they
 grew out of a "bush?"

Amazing sunsets

Preying Mantises

Fun signage

Crushing rocks by hand for foundations, etc.

Traveling in Style

Oxen and ox carts (puts "unequally yoked" into perspective)

Baby Zebra! (In protected areas)

Tetanus risks...

Groups of people from all over the world hanging out together.
Countries represented in this picture: Canada, Zimbabwe, Ghana,
Australia, South Africa, India and the US

Strange Abnormal Loads

Other things we see every day:

People sitting outside Shoprite selling the fruit, vegetables, bread and eggs they bought inside

Soccer balls made of scraps of material

Men peeing by the side of the road

Trash flying from car windows

Shelf-stable boxed milk and un-refrigerated eggs

Unsupervised children everywhere

Burning fields (slash and burn is the typical agricultural method, though groups are currently trying to teach against that)

And for now, I've probably used up my entire data bundle uploading pictures, so I have to stop here. More to come in future posts!

Giving Up Everything

Often when we hear people marvel about how we "gave up everything" to move to Zambia as missionaries, we kind of shrug it off, almost feeling bad that they think that. This isn't sacrifice! I mean, we love so much about life here. We love how on a given Sunday we may be worshiping with people from as many as 10 different nations. Getting to a recipe calling for lemon juice and we just grab the fruit from our tree. How the air drops from a hot, sunny 100+ degrees to 60 and stormy in seconds during the rains. How everyone in our growing town, from the post office to Shoprite to the marketplace, knows when we've been traveling (and asks what we brought them). Walking everywhere at all times of the year. The friendly, relaxed pace of life. How Luke and I have been forced into a stronger relationship because sometimes we're all we've got. Seeing genuine change from things we've taught. And how when you're where God wants you, there's just a peace about life.

But then there are times when we long for life stateside, feeling the "sacrifices" just aren't worth it. Being a target for lewd comments and demand for handouts wherever we go. Not being able to take a peaceful walk through the neighborhood holding my husband's hand. Power cuts, plumbing problems, and frightening roads. Lack of quality healthcare and screening, especially as we try to start a family. Pouring ourselves out spiritually without a fountain from which to drink. Injustices and inefficiencies in policies and policing. The inability to use reason to solve problems with processes, bills and the above inefficiencies. Times when there seems to be zero fruit from all the ministry efforts. And missing important milestones, family events, weddings, funerals, reunions, and all our friends and family back home.

Usually the good outweighs the not-so-good, but as we've noted in our last two prayer letters, sometimes the bad just mounds up in a giant pile of stink (like the trash in one of the compounds we walk through each week). Those are the times when we find ourselves thinking maybe it's not worth it. Life would be "so much easier" back home. We tried and that's enough, right?

But what if Jesus had said that? When he didn't feel like his disciples were "getting it." When his own mother made selfish demands of his time and ability. When the need around him was too much. When everyone wanted to take, take, take and his strength waned. When one of his best friends betrayed him. When the stones were thrown. What if Jesus had given up and gone back to life as a simple carpenter, because it would be easier?

I for one am glad he didn't. Think of the pile of stink we'd all be in if Jesus had given up on the road to Calvary - turned around, and gone home - because saving us from the debt of our sin wasn't "worth it?"

And so we remember why we're here. Not for some romantic, idealistic aid project. Not for the accolades of others (though the affirmation is certainly nice sometimes). Not because life is easier or inherently more enjoyable in this hemisphere. But for God's glory. Because of Jesus' death on the cross and resurrection for our forgiveness. Because many millions of people haven't heard this Good News of forgiveness. He said we were worth it. He also said to take up our crosses and follow him - not because it would be easy (in fact he says it may be downright difficult) or because we would receive earthly treasures - but because He's worth it.

So we may have given up a lot to serve Him here. You may be giving up a lot by supporting us in that work (thank you thank you thank you!). But, it's all so little compared to what he gave up for us, and all so worth it.

"What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ" (Philippians 3:8 NIV)

An Unchanging God

So this blog post may have some similarities to the last, but this is a journal entry I wrote at about 10:30 p.m. on New Years Eve (or 2:30 p.m. for those of you back home…).

What a year. Oh what a year. Even so, I can’t imagine what I will be thinking and feeling at this point next year. Zambia has been the goal – the focus – the destination – for so long and now… we’re here. So now what? What becomes the goal? The next stage? The destination for our lives? We’ve focused so much on getting here, and now that we’re here, what does God have planned for us?

It’s been three weeks since we arrived in Zambia, and have been in a state of limbo – staying in Lusaka until we move to Solwezi January 5. It’s been frustrating waiting, but we’ll probably find ourselves very grateful for this opportunity to rest – to throw our routines and schedules and everything we’re used to out the window so that when we get to Solwezi, we go with a clean slate, no expectations, and the energy we need to jump into a completely new life.

Our definitions and contexts have changed. There is a new rich and a new poor; a new clean and a new dirty. New definitions of beauty; new definitions of time. New smells, new sounds, new foods, new systems of measurement and money and processes. Our seasons have flipped; our wardrobes diminished and changed; our friendships moved and stretched. God is so good, and so mysterious. He brought us here and turned our worlds upside down and we are so excited, scared, and everything else to see what happens next.

Seriously. We start language training soon and all the while start life here. We will be making friends (hopefully), and setting up life. We’re no longer working toward getting to Zambia. No longer just buying the necessities knowing we’re one day moving overseas. This is real. This is life now. Everything we know is changing. We’re going to be changing. And we probably couldn’t do it except for one thing. God’s love is not changing. Christ’s love – His death and resurrection – and salvation through Him – is not changing. The need for a Savior throughout the world is not changing.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" - Hebrews 13:8

We are no longer going to be focused on getting to Zambia. Now we have to open our eyes, our hearts, and our mouths to share the good news of Christ in a context so different than ever before.

Thank you God or this opportunity – for this new adventure and new life. I can’t wait to see what happens in 2011.

Stress Tolerance

According to people around me, I have every right to be stressed out, overwhelmed, and unbelievable anxious - all of which give me every right to devour ice cream in mass quantities. I typically have a hard time believing it- perhaps because I tend to bury that stress in said ice cream around 2 a.m....

After all, we serve an amazing God who has taken care of our every want and need. We don't deserve His goodness and grace and yet he lavishes uncountable blessings on us every day.

But, considering that since December, Luke finished and graduated seminary, we spent 2 1/2 weeks in Zambia, I lost my job, we moved halfway across the country, started new jobs (several of them), have to balance the hours between multiple bosses and jobs, found out our leasing mananger in Dallas got fired so they're not honoring her decision to let us out of our lease early and coming after us for the money, spent a week back in Dallas for a conference followed by a few days in Chicago followed by three weeks in Charlotte and now we're settling into a new church, making new friends, and raising support to move to Zambia. Oh, and all of this while trying to establish healthy boundaries in an important relationship in my life and seeking my true identity outside this relationship. ... Breath ... I guess we have reason to be a bit overwhelmed.

Oy. So when we were at SIMCO (our missions orientation), they had us take a stress inventory. We were given a list of possible stressors in life all with a number value and asked to think about what we would experience our first three months on the field. The idea was to show us that when we totaled the list of the items we checked, we would be far above normal or even manageable levels of stress - getting us to think about healthy ways to handle that stress before we go. That said, Luke and I then filled out the inventory for the last three months of our life - and the total was way higher. This was two days after I was having the discussion with Luke about how good God is to us and how easy life seems to be. Apparently we have a pretty high stress tolerance.

That said, this morning was definitely a "bury your thoughts in ice cream" morning (not the healthiest coping mechanism, but hey, sometimes I don't realize all that's going on until after I have made those choices). Frustrated with myself and feeling like I wasted all sorts of time, I was kindly reminded on the phone by a good friend and mentor: "Tiffany, you've been through a lot. Don't beat yourself up."

So after a great de-stressing, de-programming bike ride, all I really want to do is curl up with a good book in comfy pjs (healthy coping!). But, off to work. And then work all day tomorrow. And then, we're escaping life for a few days to go way far north and enjoy God's good creation. Just wish we didn't have to drive 8 hours to get there.

Life's Not Fair

Man is sinful. No matter how often we try to deny it, to prove that we are inherently good, the truth is we're not. We are born sinful. Simple as that.

I was reminded of this today as we played in the "SIMCO vs. the world" volleyball game. Being ultra crazy competitive, I couldn't help but get frustrated when the other team ("the world") wouldn't play by the rules, or when some of my teammates would flub. Of course, it was never my fault. And I just got progressively more and more frustrated.

And then I got convicted. We were there to have fun, and there was no reason for me to be getting angry.

And that's just one example. Every minute feels as though I have a new story I could use as an example of how I am sinful.

As a sinner, I am fully deserving of death. Scripture says that the consequences of our sin is death. And not just death in reference to the end of this life, though that is included. It is an eternal death, an eternal separation from God.

But God, in His grace, has given us an escape from this death.

Grace. What a great word.

When I was growing up, one of the best lessons I ever learned was the meaning of "grace" and "mercy". Two words commonly included together, they really have quite different meanings. "Grace" is getting something that we don't deserve, whereas "mercy" is not getting something that we do deserve. Taken at face value, they almost seem contradictory. When considering the condemnation of sinners to death, both play a beautiful part in providing salvation. Mercy is not receiving the death that we so rightly deserve, while grace is the life that we receive when we deserve death.

I love that way Reliant K puts it in their song "Be My Escape". They say

"The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair."

For those who have trusted Christ as their salvation, life's not fair. We don't deserve the eternal life that we've been given. I rightly deserve the death that we've earned. Yet God has given life with Him to all who have trusted His Son. And honestly, sometimes it's hard to accept this grace. It's hard to realize how bad we truly are and to accept that God has freely given us this life. We have earned death, but He has given life.

And sometimes, just sometimes, I'm okay with realizing that life isn't fair. I just pray that it would be not fair for a whole lot more people. And that's why we share God's word with those who haven't heard.

it's really real

In just four days Luke and I will pack up the car and drive to Charlotte for three weeks of missions training with SIM. We'll get our official placement, figure out the finances and logistics, and prepare our materials to start our RDM (resource development ministry - i.e. support raising).

Oh my goodness - it's really happening. The past four years have pointed this direction, and now it's no longer a distant horizon but the next exit! So exciting, yet so unbelievable. And right now - so overwhelming. Just 3 1/2 months ago we were returning to Dallas from our trip to Zambia, and within two days I lost my job and our world was kind of turned upside down. Two months later, we had a loaded moving truck, a lot of sad good-byes with friends and our brothers and sisters at church, and a new apartment in Peoria. Our summer has consisted of lifeguarding, lifeguarding, lifeguarding and sleep when possible (plus a few shifts on the beverage cart for me). Not to mention, I just spent a week in Dallas for Kappa Phi followed by two days in Chicago for a wedding. And now, in just a few days, we're once again driving across the country for a new adventure.

Please pray for us in this time. Pray for clear direction and vision. Pray for good health and energy. Pray that we will not rush through the process but truly do what we need to do to prepare for long-term service. Pray for safe travels. Pray that we remember to breathe. :)

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

Where has the time gone?

God is indeed good.  And He provides for His own.  Sometimes it's hard to believe all this.

But lately, it's been really easy.

With all that has gone on in our lives in the past two months (basically since our trip to Zambia), we cannot possibly deny the goodness of God, nor could we deny His provision.  Doors have flown open for us in Peoria, and now we are just days away from traveling half way across the country to a new (old) hometown.  But more than that, God has provided discounts on our rent here in Dallas, a new computer for Luke (woohoo!) and provision in more ways than we can imagine.  We have seen His love expressed in very real, very tangible ways, through people we have come to know during our time in Dallas.  Some of these people we have come to know quite well, and others we only barely know, but so many have stepped up and shared with us a love that can only come from the Lord.

I realize that this isn't necessarily the most interesting post, but it's been over a month since our last post, and so much has happened.  Too much to even mention.  And all of it has come from the Lord, who blesses those who pursue Him.  Now, I'm not saying that everything has been nice and easy.  It's been stressful, and it is incredibly hard to be leaving all those here in Dallas who we have come to love.  But we know that God is guiding us in these next steps, and everything we do are growing us and preparing us for what He has planned.

It's just....weird.  I feel like we just got back from Zambia, and that Tiffany just lost her job, and that we were just beginning to talk about moving to St. Louis in June.  And now here we are in May, preparing to Move to Peoria in just a few days.  So much has gone on.  So much has changed.  I don't even know what's going on anymore, and all I can do is trust in Him.  Trust that His plans are good and perfect.  Trust that He will always be there.  Trust that He will continue to guide us.  Trust that, even when the times are hard, He is blessing us.

After all, God is good.  Really, really good.

Bright and Beautiful, Great and Small

How amazing is our God? Let me share just a portion of a journal entry I wrote the day we went to Victoria Falls. Though this was the "debriefing" at the end of our trip to Zambia and not a portion of the actual ministry experience, this display of God's majesty just really sums up so much of the entire trip.


"Our God is so good, so strong, so powerful. To see the mighty waters pouring over what would have been an amazing ravine that in itself would have been an awesome show of God's glory even without the billions of gallons of water... the 'mist' poured over the area like a perpetual monsoon -- creating small waterfalls in every crevice -- some going sideways and some even upwards because of the awesome force. And only in Africa could we see so much without 'safety barriers' and rails and mobs of tourists and commercialization. There were times when a single misplaced step could send you barrelling down into a gorge of swirling masses of water -- but so much of that was the very thrill of being there.....


... a semi-path led straight down to the 'boiling pot' -- down the gorge. When the path ended, there was nothing preventing further passage, so we waded through pools of water and climbed up and down over sharp rocks to get to the very bottom -- where the currents swirled in a tornado-like fashion from the immense power of the falls. At the very top of the waterfall, you could stand on rocks just feet from the edge -- almost unfathomable considering the immense height of the falls. Wow. Wow. Wow."


Now as many of you know, we lost our camera on the trip, and are just starting to get pictures from team members. Take a look at the picture below for the most awesome display of God's power (though this hardly does a justice to the real thing)...

but notice something else... As Dick snapped this picture, a tiny butterfly flew just feet from the camera -- landing smack dab at the top of this photo. The same God that sends billions of water barrelling over a giant gorge created this tiny yellow butterfly -- perfectly woven, completely delicate and graceful -- unthreatened by the powerful force behind it -- protected by its Creator.

"How great is God -- beyond our understanding! The number of his years is past finding out. He draws up the drops of water, which distill as rain to the streams; the clouds pour down their moisture and abundant showers fall on mankind. Who can understand how he spreads out the clouds, how he thunders from his pavillion?" Job 26:26-29

All things bright and beautiful -- all creatures great and small. Our God is mighty and no problem or hurdle is too big for him... but He is also gentle and full of grace -- and will comfort the inner places of our hearts. Such a comfort after all the need and injustice we saw, but all of the glorious ways God was at work among His people. Such a comfort coming back on such a high, yet losing my job, dealing with a flooded apartment and not really sure what His plan is for us right now as we look to go back to Zambia long term.

He is mighty. But those huge, powerful arms are also there to protect us, comfort us, and remind us of the beauty in the small things. Like the butterfly.

When God Spins You 'Round

Do you ever take life for granted? You know what I'm talking about. You stop looking at everything you have as a great gift from God, but rather as a given that you deserve. No longer is your job a blessing, but a drudgery that you have to go to every day. What was once a vibrant relationship with the Creator has become an understanding that He is there, but only as much as you want Him to be.

I was going through a time like that. I finished my last seminary class last Friday, and since all of my work was turned in before that, when I left campus, I was officially done with seminary. I was proud of myself, and ready to go out and do what I wanted to do. I didn't see my training as a blessing of God preparing me for the ministry and life He has planned for me; I saw it as a step in the path that lead me to where I wanted to go.

So I went about my life how I wanted to. And that's when God decided to give my life a spin.

Literally.

I was driving to work at about 3 on Monday afternoon. Driving in Dallas is always an experience, but this particular trip would prove to be the most memorable. As I came off an exit ramp and looked to merge left, a car flew up on my left side, pulls directly in front of me (where there really wasn't room), and then slams on the brakes. With nothing else to do, I tried to get into the now empty lane to my left, but had to slam on my brakes so as not to crash into the (really expensive) car directly in front of me. The combination of turning my wheel, hitting the brakes, and borderline frozen pavement sent me spinning. My car started spinning to the right while traveling to the left before my wheels caught (I was steering in the direction of the skid). I immediately started spinning left and traveling back in the direction I came from (and then some). I spun two and a half rotations traveling right across three lanes of traffic, then another quarter turn back before coming to a gentle stop on the shoulder, safely between some construction cones and a few yards from a flashing construction sign.

Pretty frightening, right?

But get this - I didn't hit anything. No cars smashed into me. Never hit a guard rail. Never hit a traffic cone. Didn't blow a tire. No injuries. Nothing.

Did I mention it was 3 PM, the beginning of Dallas rush hour? I was by no means the only car on the road, yet I never hit or got hit by anything.

All at once I realized two things. First, I realized that God has plans for me that did not include me getting killed on Monday. Second, they are God's plans, and they are a blessing to be a part of, so I need to live my life accordingly, giving credit where it is due and seeking to glorify Him in all that I do.

As I realize that there is no other reason for me to be alive and healthy today than God's provision and protection, I wonder if maybe you are taking life for granted as well. Maybe you feel as though you are going through the motions of life, not really having much purpose in what you are doing. Now would be a great time to turn to the Father who loves you and dedicate your life to serving Him. Otherwise He may use other means to get your attention. And sometimes that doesn't feel so good...but serving the Lord brings a greater joy than we can ever imagine.

Disciplinary Action

Oh, the spiritual disciplines. I remember reading a book about them for school a couple years ago. "The Spirit of the Disciplines," by Dallas Willard. I remember enjoying that book. I remember the assignment of practicing at least one discipline for a period of time to be enjoyable and educational. I actually continued with this discipline for some time after the class ended. Then life happened, and it all changed.

But first, a flashback...

Going back to college, I remember having to be extremely structured with my time. Being on the swim team my freshman year, I would be in class all day, go to practice in the middle of the afternoon, go straight to work, go to some Christian event on campus (between prayer meetings, CRU gatherings, and worship, I had something every night of the week), then go home, do homework, do my quiet time, and go to bed. Every day. Very structured. Yet very disciplined. I always did my quiet time, and when I did, I always read one chapter from an O.T. book of history, five psalms, one proverb, one chapter from the prophets, one chapter from a Gospel, and one chapter from an epistle. Then I would journal, usually for about half an hour or so. Then I would pray. Very, very disciplined. And I grew a lot during that time. Then life happened, and things changed. The swim team got cut, and I became a cheerleader, which was more work and different practice times. My whole schedule changed, and all of a sudden I didn't have the freetime at night to do my quiet times anymore. I tried getting up early in the morning to do them, but 4 am is really early for a college student, and that didn't work. I tried to do them in the middle of the day, but I would fall asleep. It never occurred to me to stop some of my other activities to give some time for God...a lesson I didn't learn for many more years and that I continue to struggle with now.

So here I am, out of college for over three years, looking to finish up seminary in about four months, and considering what God has planned for Tiffany and myself in regards to full-time ministry overseas. Yet I still have a hard time devoting time to God. It's been bothering me for a while, and I keep saying that I'm going to do something about it, but then I don't. I'd much rather putz around and do nothing. But Tuesday night, when I was unable to sleep for hours on end, I had a little discussion time with God. You know how sometimes you pray for unimportant things and God turns you around so you look at the important things, instead. I was praying that I could become more disciplined and start working out more, as I have been frustrated with the irregularity of my workouts. So, as I'm praying this, I feel deeply convicted that I'm not disciplined in my time with God, so how could I ask to be disciplined in my time elsewhere. I needed to get my priorities straight and refocus on the things that matter. So I've taken action on this issue with the hopes of becoming more disciplined in my time with God. I've devoted time every morning (well, Wednesday and today...I don't know what happened yesterday...) to reading God's word, praying, and even journaling (well, I really only journaled on Wednesday....but there's still time today). Though it's only been a few days, I feel like my whole life is getting back into some sort of structure, all because I've made the effort to focus on God regularly and let other things get pushed to the side until He gets my focus. I took some disciplinary action, and it has really made a difference and encouraged me to continue in this discipline.

Sometimes it's just hard....

It's weird, but it seems that the most common conversation that I've been having lately has been about how difficult it is to follow God's calling. I have come to particularly enjoy the poster that shows the face of Jesus and has written across the bottom the words

"I never said it would be easy."

I can think of that poster every time that life seems tough, but I don't know that I ever really let it sink in.

Now don't get me wrong, life for me right now is not falling apart. I have a job. Actually, I have three(ish). I have a beautiful wife, parents that love me, and am not lacking in friends who care about me. By all appearances my life is good. Yet I find myself struggling to get through each day. I am exhausted. I can't seem to bring myself to get into the Word, or even to pray. It seems that the harder that life gets, the more difficult it is to turn to the very source of life, love, and energy that we have. The downward spiral continues, and all of a sudden you realize that you haven't done a quiet time in a month, opened your journal since before Christmas, or even posted a blog entry since February. You've been preoccupied, and life has passed you by.

I was talking with my friend the other day. We'll call her L.W. (Not that her anonymity needs to be kept, but because I didn't tell her I would write about her). She is passionate about heading overseas as a missionary, and she is basically in her last month of seminary. It seems as though she is so close to getting there. But all of a sudden the brakes seem to have been slammed. She has no job (the one she had was seasonal), her parents can no longer afford to help her financially, and debt is rapidly accruing. She's having to pay for school (the very school that she is attending to enter the ministry) with a credit card, and she has no clue how her rent or bills will be paid. In our conversation she said

"I really want to follow God's call for my life, but sometimes He makes it so hard."

It's as though He makes it too hard to follow Him. We may be willing, but sometimes it's as though He is trying to make us unwilling.

But that's just it. Sometimes following Him is hard. But then again, He's worth going through the hard times for. We are told in James 1 that perseverance in these trials produces endurance. These trials come from God as He prepares us for service. Entering the mission field will not be easy. Going to a completely foreign place, thousands of miles from family and friends, unable to communicate with the locals, incapable of stomaching the food that is served, and constantly facing some sort of opposition will not be easy. But if that is your calling, it is worth suffering through the hard times. It's not that He is trying to make us unwilling. I'd say that it's His way of proving to us that He is worth serving. Through it all, God ultimately seeks that His name be glorified.

Just look through the Psalms. There were times where the Psalmist was greatly suffering, even angry at God. Yet even the Psalms of lament end with resounding praise because God - the God that we have the opportunity to serve - is faithful. So we praise God, even when it's hard.

And sometimes it's hard.

It's....so....hot.....

I just want to say, I am totally not cut out to live in Texas my whole life. I don't know about the rest of the state, but Dallas is crazy hot right now (though today we're only supposed to get up to 97....woohoo!). Hopefully that tropical depression down in Galveston sends some love our way and we cool off before school starts.

On another note, we have no fans in our new apartment. Zero. None. Coming from our old place where we had a ceiling fan in every room, this is quite a shock to the system. I can't count the number of times I woke up last night drenched in sweat. I easily drank three large cups worth of water over night, and I still woke up parched. I probably lost 10 pounds in water weight just by sleeping. And that's with the air conditioning on. I guess we're just used to having moving air, not just cooler air, throughout the apartment.

But, we love the new place. It's HUGE - or at least it feels that way. The other Luke commented that any apartment feels bigger when you have to walk from place to place. And that is definitely true here. Plus, Tiffany and I keep trying to leave the apartment by walking through the study, which is a dead end. Can't really figure out why, but whatever. Hopefully we'll get over that wasted motion soon.

Infuego!

So, there wasn't much to see, but at about 5 this morning there was a frantic knock on our door. I had been in bed maybe 3 1/2 hours (I had gone in to work later Tuesday night), and was pretty slow realizing what was going on. Tiffany said "Do you hear that? I'm not getting it...I'm in my nightgown." I proceeded to blindly reach in my pile of clothing next to the bed and found a pair of shorts. As I go to open the door, the knocking continues and is accompanied by more knocking on the window. "Fire!" they yell as I open the door. "You need to get out." I looked out the window and saw fire trucks everywhere. I wonder why I never heard any sirens...I must have been sleeping pretty well...

Anyway, Tiffany at this point had realized that she wasn't in her nightgown, but was wearing shorts and a tank top. She put a t-shirt on over the tank top as I grabbed the cat carrier. "Grab the cat," I called to her. We proceeded to struggle to get Yoda into her carrier, but eventually we got her in (and I got a healthy 6 inch scratch across my abdomen) and we went outside to stand around with our neighbors.

Wondering what exactly was going on, we walked far enough away from the building to see where the fire was. We could smell the smoke, but we couldn't see anything. There was a fireman down at the electrical boxes looking at something, and another handful of firemen on the top floor ripping a wall apart, but no flames anywhere. We saw some flashlights inside the apartment on the third floor right by where the firemen were ripping out the wall, so we assume that there were more firemen inside checking stuff out. At one point they got out the hose and sprayed into the hole in the wall they had created, so maybe they saw something we didn't. After about an hour of this excitement, the firemen began to pack up and told us it was safe to go back inside.

We still don't know what caused the fire, or whether there was even much of a fire at all. But, we praise God that we were kept safe, along with all of our neighbors. We are also thrilled to know that the neighbors we have care enough about us and each other to make sure that everybody got out of the building safely. And the response of the Dallas Fire Department was phenomenal - we had around 10 trucks there, though most of the firemen sat around looking upset that they were there. But still, we felt very safe and very well taken care of. And from what we can tell, nobody lost anything and none of the apartments suffered any severe damage. My guess is the severe damage will come in a few months when this whole complex gets torn down, but that's another story....

Moving...again

So, in sticking with the tradition I established in college, Tiffany and I will be moving from our current apartment in the next few weeks. This will be the seventh year in a row where I will have lived somewhere different than the year before. I guess this is just getting us ready for a life on the road...

We are moving out of our "summer camp" apartment on or about August 15, so we still have some time to pack and stuff. We decided not to renew our lease here in order to have better access to good deals, avoid congestion with everybody trying to move out of here at the same time, and to be done with the whole process before school starts up again. We'll be moving a little bit north and a little bit east of where we are, but we will remain in Dallas proper. We'll be living in the Lake Highlands area, which is a good location considering our involvement with the FCA at Lake Highlands High School, and it is a little closer to church. The layout of the apartment will be completely different from the place we live now, and we'll have a second full bathroom, which I have never had in my life. Growing up, we had seven people sharing one bathroom, so two bathrooms for two people is amazing to me. Yoda, I guess, will get her own bathroom...finally.